two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
this will be a night to untag.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
