hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
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Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
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I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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