Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
