We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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