I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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