I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
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This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
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Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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