I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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