i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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