Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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