Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
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RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
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And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize