Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
