My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
