I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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