fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
