i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
PANTIES FOUND
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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