yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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