I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
