at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
