Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
