im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
