I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
