literally had 100 drinks last night.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Randomize
