my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
