Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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