Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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