How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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