im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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