You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
