I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
