This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
