Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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