I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
