My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
