i just sent this text using only my big toe
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
