I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
