barbara walters just said penis...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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