cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
