11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
