my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
