margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
