I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i think i have herpe
just one?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
