I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
