I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
