Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
