We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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