we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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