I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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