The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
