just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
