The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
