where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
