He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Such a big mess for such a small penis
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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