Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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