just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
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i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
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If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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