i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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