omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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