Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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