U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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