I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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